Grief has been on my mind a lot lately — perhaps because it’s an emotional space I’m occupying quite a bit right now.

I’ve been reading Emergent Strategy by Adrienne Maree Brown, and I’m learning about biomimicry — the practice of solving problems by looking at how nature has already solved them. One of the principles Adrienne explores is that growth in nature is non-linear and iterative. Nothing in the natural world grows in a straight line. And that got me thinking about two deeply human experiences: grief and growth.

Grief Doesn’t Follow a Script

We know grief comes in stages — shock, denial, numbness, anger, bargaining, sadness, acceptance. What’s less talked about is that these stages don’t happen in any perfect order, nor do they move forward continuously. Grief waxes and wanes. It shows up at unexpected — and sometimes inopportune — moments. We revisit stages we thought we’d moved through. Even acceptance is iterative.

As leaders, we’re rarely given permission to acknowledge this. We’re expected to process, move on, and perform. But grief doesn’t respond to timelines or org charts.

Growth Looks Like a Mountain Trail

Growth is remarkably similar. We do the work. We practice, learn, and stretch. And then life happens — obstacles appear, old patterns resurface — and suddenly it feels like we’ve taken two steps back.

I’ve always described growth like hiking a mountain trail. Sometimes you’re on a slight incline — making steady progress. Sometimes it’s steep, and it takes everything you have. Sometimes the path dips into a valley, and you wonder if you’re moving away from the goal altogether. And sometimes you hit a plateau — a point of rest before the next climb.

Here’s what we often forget: Even at the base of every decline, you are still much further up the mountain than when you started. The valley doesn’t erase the progress you’ve made.

Progress is non-linear. Growth is iterative. And great leaders know how to hold that truth — for themselves and for the people they lead.

Two Sides of the Same Coin

Grief and growth are not opposites. They are companions.

Grief can lead to growth, progress, and eventually new life. And with growth comes grief as we acknowledge old wounds, heal, and leave behind old versions of ourselves, (and sometimes old lives, people, and communities that no longer serve us).

Leading through either requires a willingness to normalize what we’ve been taught to push through. Too often, leadership culture expects grief to be processed quietly and quickly. Too often, leaders expect growth to look like a clean upward trajectory. But that expectation doesn’t.

So how can we learn to create room for both? We start with:

Recognition & Reflection

Leaders can recognize that grief is human and allow it in the room. When your team is navigating change, loss, or transition recognize that it might affect capacity and thus performance. Do not punish them for it, support them through it. And reflect on your expectations around growth. Allow space for people to grow differently.

Lead with Emotional Awareness, Flexibility, & Courage.

Notice when emotions are in the room, have the courage to ask, and the flexibility to pivot if need be to make space for your team to experience grief. As for growth, check your own emotions and expectations around growth. Transformational leadership is flexible rather than rigid.

Model and Mirror empathy and understanding.

Release the pressure of growth in a straight line. As a leader, your behavior sets the tone and will be modeled by the leaders who are leading the teams downstream from you.

Acknowledge growth frequently and consistently.

Leaders are quick to give feedback on what needs improving, but slow to acknowledge good work. Acknowledge grief when it’s in the room, especially when it comes from actions inside the organization. Your whole team or department may be grieving. To ignore that erodes trust and safety and leads to quiet quitting and resume updating. Adapt to different learning styles and paces. Adapt to limited capacity due to grief when it happens. You can still hold people accountable while allowing them to be human.

Practice Progress Over Perfection.

Growth that looks like a setback is often integration. That includes your growth. Create a culture where two steps back is understood as part of the process, not a failure. And have as much grace for yourself as you do for everyone else.

Where are you allowing for non-linear growth? Where are you allowing iterative grief? What practices do you need to put in place to take care of yourself along the way?

When you recognize and allow the “both / and” of grief and growth, you are beginning to embody the space of trauma-informed leadership.

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